Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
