I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize