I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
