I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
