I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
