he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
