The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
