He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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