I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
