He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Operation Purity has been aborted
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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