Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
