Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
