dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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