I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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