Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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