I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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