its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize