I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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