You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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