You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
