Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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