I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
