i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
