There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
