just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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