My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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