I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
