In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
