It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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