I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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