Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
