The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
