ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize