Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
