I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
