Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
