he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
