just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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