Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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