does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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