I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
