Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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