tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
