Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
