My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
