some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize