Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
