He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
