I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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