Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
