vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
