my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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