Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize