we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
