What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
