So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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