I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
