I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
