I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize