And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
