I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
