I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
