im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't turn off my feet"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
