You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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