my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
