I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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