i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
