Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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