i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
